Tuesday, November 22, 2011

I Want to Give Up On My Idol

I've been posting a lot these days, because I've been thinking a lot. Not such a good thing though, at least not for me. Kinda feel that after all these years, I'm still alone. What I have been doing to fill that hole has been fruitless, instead I've been filling it up with arrows.

I'm not one that falls in love easily. Maybe I don't dare, maybe I'm too loyal, maybe I just haven't find the right one. The only "right ones" I've found are my idols. Been feeling quite terrible this month, and my friend was asking I seem to be eager to search for a soul-mate this week.

What do you want me to do? I don't even have a person to hug.

All I can do is hug some pillows and hope that the pain will go away. It goes away, after some time, and comes back again. And goes away and comes back again. But I think the pain last longer than my happiness. Happiness? Maybe I get some temporary painkillers by being around people, makes me think less though, since I'm concentrated with their voices, and most of the time, noise.

Have I been truly happy? Yes, why not? But when depression comes, it's like the world's going to end, it's like your death is looming near, the only problem is, you don't even know if death's going to cure any pain at all. Of course I'm not hoping that death will solve anything, I've been trying to get rid of my borderline disorder for some time, I got rid of it after looking at optimistic things for a long time. But maybe it's coming back. Or maybe just... Maybe banging my fist or head will feel much better than escaping.

Yes that's what I have been doing, escaping to forget. It's not the ultimate cure but the most efficient way to make your pain cease a little. And when it rebounds, I think it's going to hurt more. So back on to the topic, my love life. Nothing to say. Been single all my life. Heard people say Cancer's a romantic person, maybe that's why it hurts more. Probably there are people who like me, but I don't like them, as in even if I do, it might probably be because they are my friend and because they are treating me nice.

But I want the "You're the one" feeling. That's why I said I've only gotten it from idol so far. Maybe because they are more far-fetched that's why you can dream the impossible. But this relationship is ridiculous. You are head over heels over a person that barely knows your existence. What do I mean by barely? Well if you post on their social media sites frequent enough, they'll be bound to see you or even reply you if you get lucky. Or if you have been to their events, they'll be bound to see you as well, only problem is whether are they going to remember you.

So I love my idol, 8 years as of now. I'm not going to mention her name, but I translated her songs the most. And thanks to her, I've managed to struggle and gotten myself an A for Chinese twice, both for PSLE and "O" levels. She also made me realise how much I can love a person. And how stupid I am now. I can do anything I can for her, just like those people who are madly in love, the only problem is I don't even get to be near her. Well the most she comes Singapore once per two years, and we'll spend 5 days just camping outside her hotel and airport, only to see her for a few mere seconds.

Is it worth it? Yes. My answer today. Still yes. Why not? Anything I can do for her and myself for her to notice my existence. My mind's a complete whirl now, I can't formulate my posts properly. I can't see the head, I can't see the ending. I don't know what I'm doing. So at the end of the day, you realise you're just going to sink deeper in this one-sided relationship. You even make your ambition to work in a place that's somewhere nearer to her, or even live in her country.

Fans. We have a tough life.

I should just end things here. Make this 8 years long of affection die down. How long will I take? Another 8 years maybe? Maybe more, maybe less. I don't know. I've been living my life 8 years for her. What do I want to be? A composer, really? Is it because of her or because of yourself? Which horoscope do I like the best? Virgo, really? Is it because she is one or because you really look carefully into all Virgo's personalities? I suddenly take a liking to Hello Kitty, umad? Yes, definitely, all because of her.

Whose photos do you store the most in your computer? Hers. Over 1 thousand, all hers. Google homepage background is her, twitter background is her, weibo background is her, my whole handphone theme is her!!! My friend lists consist of her fans, even online friends that I met are her fans. I don't have a life, seriously.

I start twitter because of her, I start weibo because of her, I wanted to quit facebook but went back because of another Virgo singer. I think I even start blogging because of her. I started listening to pop songs because of her. I was yelling like mad to my mother because I want to go to her concert. My forum nickname is named after her. My cupboard is filled with her stuffs. Every corner is filled with her memories. Try not to think about her for 1 day, impossible.

Looks at twitter, there are her updates, looks at facebook, there are her updates, looks at weibo, she's everywhere. Give me a break already. She doesn't post on weibo for a few days, we go mad, fans go mad, I go mad with them. She doesn't compliment us instead she compliments another singer's fans, some was unhappy, some was sad, and I became agitated.

It's like my emotions are ruled by her. It's like my dreams are ruled by her. It's like, what do I even like? What do I want for a living? Where do I want to go after I retire? What's my favourite country? What kind of person do I really like? It's as though my idea of a perfect person is her, anything below her is not perfect. So how am I going to find a partner in my life? Never, because there isn't going to be anyone like her, unless I get to be with her, that will be impossible though.

It's like, now that I'm thinking. I don't understand her as much as she doesn't understand me. It's like I can't even stand her criticism nature in the first place how am I going to interact with her in the future even if I do have a chance. It's like, why am I trying to rhyme here?

I should just give up on her already. I have so much rants about her I feel so happy after saying it all out. And should just take her stuffs and throw them away or burn them, burn them to ashes. No wait I don't mean that, despite all her flaws as a caring idol, she puts effort in all her works. So I probably should just store them in the storeroom. So for any time I'm going to give her up, that will mean I'm going to give all the rest of my idols up.

So what's my interest going to be? I have some ideas about it though.

Living on a farmside, with a nice small cosy house. No animals around, I would like to live alone. Good to have some neighbours around though, but not too near, perhaps like some fields away.

And when there's a break in the afternoon, I will take a map and lie on the grass right outside my house and look at clouds floating pass the sky. Thoughts will go through my head, any thoughts but sad thoughts.

I'm probably not going to listen to any music other than the song of nature or classical music.

I have thoughts on being a nun or a taoist before, but my only burden is to put her down. Seems like there wouldn't be such problems in the future if I managed to give up on her. However, I don't want to gain realisation that way. It will probably be just trapping myself to think. I want to be free and away, away from the noisy city life.

I want when one day comes, my heart will no longer ache when I think of her, instead it will be filled with good memories and parts and parcels of life that leads me here today. I want when one day comes, when I hear her name again, she will just be another person to me.

I hate, I love her. I want to forget about her. Thanks for being there, now please leave my heart.


  1. don't think too much, you're gonna meet the right one, sooner or later.
    all good things happens to those who wait.. <3