Wednesday, May 9, 2012

My Methods To Reduce OCD Symptoms

I don't have a lasting memory of moments. Just a few moments ago I have some thoughts in mind but what I am typing now might be a little different from it.

Things in life that are giving you a hell lot of problems are barely even a problem to others. No matter how many times you try to explain, others don't get it because they are not in your shoes, they don't get you trauma. My obsessive compulsive disorder is one of it.

If you are a sufferer of personality disorders, you will know how terrible it can be. A little of it might be nothing but if it gets extreme, your daily lives will be impacted greatly.

The saddest part about it is they are all behavioural disorders, meaning they do not represent you, but you are making your life out of them. I've known for a long time that my OCD does not represent my thoughts. That's the frustrating part, I can't get what's bothering me so much that I have developed an obsession and compulsive behaviour for.

The answer for it can't be taken literally, for example a symptom for OCD is the need to have things in order. I always put my watch on the right side of the table, with my water bottle curled inside of it. If the door is not shut tight or opened fully, I will get out of my desk just to do it. The sight of things being out of place is putting me at unease. The answer for this, I have not figured still.

I was really glad, there was a moment in my life I've managed to cut all my OCD compulsive behaviours to a minimum. In fact I'm checking my locked door much lesser now. But I guess rushing to cure was a bad, bad idea. I was stuck with one last symptom that is driving me nuts and all the methods I have tried are invalid. My need for things to be in order came back again and I feel uncomfortable if things get out of place again.

I even bought a book for my OCD since I thought it might be helpful.

Everything written on the introduction website was a good read. The book is titled The Root Cause and I was really hoping it will go into details to explain why we act a certain way because of OCD. The website for the book is: http://www.therootcause.co.uk/

I tried searching for reviews online but there were barely. I was really determined to cure my OCD once and for all so I took every word and advice in the book seriously. But I was not impressed that every solution in the book consists of self-hypnosis. In fact I can bet half the book is about self-hypnosis with repeated methods, probably a modification here or there. Now there, I'm not sceptical about hypnosis and I know very well that it is a proven method which works. But there was lack of explanation in a lot of things, in fact I might be able to do a decent job with explaining the cause of our obsessions and compulsive behaviour.

So all the book does is give you a brief explanation and you're supposed to try and hypnotise yourself. Sorry I can't. It's too hard. I wasn't sure whether the images I was seeing were from my conscious or subconscious. I am not impressed with the book.

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Now, to go on to my methods of cutting down my OCD symptoms.

Warning: I'm no expert and all the methods are self-thought. 

Here's the list that I had wrote down some time back:

1. Repetitive Checking
2. Needing things to be in place
3. Thoughts of writing and doubting that whatever I'm writing down contains sexual content
4. Thoughts of photos to contain sexual content
5. Numerous ways to kill/injure myself with daily items
6. Thoughts of harming others

There can be more but these are the more serious ones. Nothing impressive with the list and in fact most are very inglorious.

I shall start with number 3/4 first.
They were the first few to be reduced and it wasn't intentional. I joined a no fap challenge for a month and that managed to curb my sexual desires a lot. Sexual thoughts were reduced because of that too. In fact I managed to keep on with the challenge because I like the idea that I'm doing it because I want to, not because I'm forced to. It wasn't easy for someone who's addicted but I guess I wanted to challenge my willpower.

I have thoughts of attempting one month challenges afterwards but I didn't have the motivation to continue. No fap challenge is by far the best one month challenge I have been through. It is manageable and challenging at the same time.

Doubting the things I write are successfully decreased because I feel no shame in writing the wrong things in a wonderful community I have found online. I know they will not judge me because of what I have typed wrongly as a result of my OCD.

In fact, I'm feeling less shame in typing crude words that probably made no sense or doesn't fit into your writing. Hell you can just edit them later. Even if others read it by chance, then let it be, these are my own personal space and I'm free to write anything.

I just need more confidence so I can stop doubting what I am typing. I realise closing my eyes while typing is a helpful solution at times when I couldn't stop the thought. Another stupid method is to translate my text from English to Chinese and see if the meaning is still the same, but it's not exactly effective.

Number 1/2
Not surprising that I'm grouping them together because I see them as the same category. I attempted on them when number 3/4 were decreasing because I was feeling confident of myself. I was determined not to let them affect me and I tried to keep my checking to a minimum, no more than 1/2 tries. It is still successful as of now. :)

Whenever I feel uncomfortable because other people have placed things at their original spot, I try to calm myself down and focus on the thing I was doing previously. I know how powerful my focus can be and I tried to accept their out of place to be where they should be instead. If that makes sense to you.

Number 5/6
These are the worst thoughts ever. Life isn't easy when you're thinking of killing yourself every other day. I took a lot of time and mind battles to persuade myself in my head that I shouldn't harm myself. That I only have one life and if I die as a result of my stupidity or OCD, that's the end of it.

And fortunately, I fear death. Not because you'll get to lose everything when you die but the thought of extreme pain till you no longer can handle it and you give up your life. I dislike watching documentaries of people getting injured at any point of time and that thought won the thought of self harming myself. It's counter effective I must say.

Thoughts of harming others were reduced a little when I no longer want to harm myself. And I constantly tell myself, I shouldn't harm others especially if they have done nothing to me. They are just innocent passer-bys I get to see everyday that's all.

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After everything is kept to a manageable level, an interesting symptom that has never happened to me just pop out from mid air. I suddenly have the URGE TO BLAST MUSIC.

The most interesting opposite factor was I never like to blast music because I have delicate ears. In fact I suffered more than normal people when constant loud music was played and I had just experienced it not long ago. I know how painful it is for my ears to hear loud sound.

I am wondering. Did that urge evolved because I was always careful with my sound level and I even keep it very soft? I wanted to do something out of the norm so I can scare myself with the sudden outburst of sound?

An online friend even told me that I should just let it be since I will not die because of it. I respect what she said because she suffered from personality disorders too. But they don't understand I never like blasting music, I can't even enjoy or focus on what I am doing if I blasted music. And my ears will hurt a lot afterwards. It was like I wanted to torture myself. It might probably be a branch off from my self-harming thoughts. Because if I keep blasting music for a long time, I might lose my valuable pair of good ears. I have thoughts of poking my eyes recently and that was utterly stupid.

I was wondering just now what might be the cause of the urge to blast music. There definitely must be an underlying reason for it even if it's a behavioural problem. I realised, could it be because I am not confident of myself that I will not do anything to harm myself? The thought of it leads from the thought that I always place my volume at such a soft level that I have to strain my ears to hear it, but I have a fear of increasing the volume.

If I have more confidence that I will stop increasing the volume when it's harmful to my ears, maybe that urge will stop. I hope I am right and I hope I can keep up to stopping the urge.

There's more for OCD but I'll stop now. Till next time!

1 comment:

  1. I really suggest u to see a doctor.
    How's life now?

    ReplyDelete