Friday, January 18, 2013

2012 - A Year of Growth

Firstly, I would like to say "Hi" to my laptop. I haven't been seeing it for weeks because of work and meeting friends during the weekend. It looks kind of small now and my mouse is awkward to use. In fact it took a while for my mouse to respond when I on my laptop just now.

Lots of things had happened to me in 2012. It occurred to me I did a start of 2012 post last year so I ought to do one for this year too!

Happy 2013!

In 2012, I
  • Suffered from mild depression
  • Graduated from polytechnic and held a graduation show
  • Recovered from my depression
  • OCD got worst
  • Found my first job
  • Got terminated from my first job (after two months)
  • OCD under control
  • Reading - Meditation, Positive Psychology, Carl Jung (The 3 books that changed my life)
  • Found my second job

Yup that sums it well.

I've learnt a fair bit from this year and I believe it will be essential for my growth in later parts of my life. At the moment I'm a little fearful that I would be unable to grow now that I'm no longer "schooling". However, looking at what I had been experiencing at my workplace, it seems I still have much to learn about life but things might come to a standstill to me soon until I've learnt to look pass things on the surface. What amazes me about Carl Jung when I read his writings was his ability to take everything as a subject to study. As long as it concerns humans or it's a product of human, he finds it a subject worth studying. It goes to show his passion as a psychiatrist/psychologist and I'm doubtful about my ability to be one after reading his book. I would love to read about his analysis of our current generation.

The thing that I'm really proud of myself this year is that I cured my depression on my own. No one helped me neither did that psychiatrist I went to. If I were to really name the people who helped me, it would be mainly peeps from DV and my only friend who truly understands me, Zi He. When the whole world didn't believe I have depression, they were the only people who did and that matters a lot to me.

Graduating from school was a great relief for me and I had a lot of time at home to calm myself down and sort out my feelings and thoughts. The best thing about being at home is everything you try becomes possible because you're relieved of facing real people in real life. But the moment I stood out of my shell, I realised how naive I was to think that I'm halfway to my goal of lasting happiness. I'm still easily affected by people but now I know where to channel my thoughts the moment I'm unhappy. Naturally it's best not to dwell on it but I started analysing the cause of my unhappiness. Was it the people who made me unhappy, why did they make me unhappy, how did they make me unhappy, is it my own fault that I am unhappy?

I made a pact to myself that I never want to go back to depression again. I've learn to put my emotions at my priority. If I'm not happy, whatever I'm doing doesn't matter any more. If I'm not happy, I usually strive to do 2 things to overcome it - 1. Change my thoughts 2. Make a change in my life. We could be upset for the smallest thing ever like a noisy person is sitting beside you on the train. Why not just move away? Why do you have to make yourself endure the noise even though you dislike it? Does it matter what that person think of you when you get up to change seats? Irony to that, over dosage of happiness starts making happiness feel meaningless. And that was when I came across a book about Positive Psychology which taught me that happiness is a combination of things that give you insight and meaning too.

I'm still figuring out what I want to do in my life. I'm still young and I'll admit that. :P At the moment, I hope to keep up in my job, keep up with my spiritual growth and society growth at the same time. I got myself a new smartphone recently and I finally realised what a world difference it meant to me. First of all, I've a portable on-the-go dream journal meaning I can type my dreams every morning when I travel to work. Secondly, I can access my social sites on the go so I wouldn't have to bother about them when I'm at home giving me more time to do other things than wasting my life on my computer. Yes I admit, entertainment is life wasting. Both Carl Jung and the author who wrote the Positive Psychology book would agree to that. It's about time I start doing something more meaningful that gives me happiness too.

I guess that's it, that's my life in 2012. I guess I'm not making heads or tails out of my story but that's because my mind is so full of thoughts and I lose some of them every minute, it makes it impossible to pin down all of them. I could go about the systematic manner of writing down life events in 2012 but that would be too mundane for me to type.

The end of 2012 to 2013 started off really well for me. Jolin's Genting concert, getting a new job, finally meeting the person I like and Jolin is back in Singapore again!

We waited for Jolin to arrive at Changi Airport today. :)

I was happy to see her and I hope I can unlock the emotions that I had locked to protect myself. The mask on my face seems to be getting thicker and I'm wondering is that a good or bad thing. Am I learning how to accept life or turning away from how I truly feel in the name of happiness? I raged in my dreams and I was contemplating what that mean till it struck me just now that it could be a sign I'm still far off from what I'm trying to achieve. I need to learn to face my shadow and I need to learn to see myself as an able being. I have a lot to learn. I should end this post with Carl Jung's quote.

"Everything that is necessary can be lived if only you will stand by yourself and endure things without grumbling. You should always tell yourself; that's how it is, and there's nothing I can do about it. Everything that will, or must be, comes without your doing, and you have only to hold your own in order to come through the darkness of human existence.

Too strong a dependence on the outside, and too dynamic a view of the inside, stem essentially from your desire, intention, and will, which you should push into the background a little for the sake of what really concerns you: holding your own in the chaos of this world." - Carl Jung

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